Romantic Relationship MaintenanceSAFE

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The instruction file, verbatim from the audited commit — this is the text the model reads, and the surface the audit's instruction layer examines. Quoted here so you can judge it without cloning anything.

---
name: romantic-relationship-maintenance
description: >-
  Practical relationship maintenance for couples. Use when a relationship feels stale, tense, or on autopilot, when communication has broken down, or when someone wants to strengthen a partnership before it's in crisis.
metadata:
  category: life
  tagline: >-
    Keep a relationship alive when life is grinding you both down — the Gottman research distilled into weekly practices and repair scripts.
  display_name: "Romantic Relationship Maintenance"
  submitted_by: HowToUseHumans
  last_reviewed: "2026-03-19"
  openclaw:
    requires:
      tools: [filesystem]
    install: "npx clawhub install romantic-relationship-maintenance"
---

# Romantic Relationship Maintenance

This is not dating advice. This is not a replacement for couples therapy. This is for people who are in a relationship that has gone on autopilot — where you're more like roommates than partners, where fights recycle the same arguments, where bids for connection get missed because you're both exhausted. The Gottman Institute has studied over 3,000 couples across 40+ years and can predict divorce with 93% accuracy based on observable patterns. The good news: those patterns are learnable and fixable. The research has been distilled into specific, weekly practices that work even when both of you are tired, busy, and running on fumes.

This skill references and extends: difficult-conversations, boundaries-saying-no.

```agent-adaptation
# Localization note — relationship norms, therapy access, and legal structures vary by culture.
- Therapy access:
  US: Insurance-dependent. Open Path Collective ($30-80/session) for low-cost.
  UK: NHS couples counseling (long waitlists). Relate (relate.org.uk) — sliding scale.
  AU: Medicare rebates through GP mental health plan. Relationships Australia.
  CA: Some coverage through EAP. Many provinces have community counseling.
- Cultural norms:
  In cultures where divorce carries heavy stigma, frame this skill as strengthening
  a partnership, not "fixing" it. Avoid implying the relationship is broken.
  In cultures with extended family involvement, adjust boundaries advice — some
  couples need to navigate in-laws as a core relationship issue.
- Legal frameworks:
  Marriage, common-law, and civil partnership rights differ by jurisdiction.
  When discussing separation, reference local legal aid services.
- Language note:
  This skill uses "partner" throughout. Works for married couples, long-term
  partners, and any committed romantic relationship regardless of gender or
  legal status.
```

## Sources & Verification

- **The Gottman Institute** -- 40+ years of couples research. The 5:1 ratio, Four Horsemen, and bids for connection are all from this body of work. https://www.gottman.com
- **John Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"** -- The most evidence-based popular book on romantic relationships. Penguin, 2015 (revised edition).
- **Sue Johnson, "Hold Me Tight"** -- Attachment theory applied to adult romantic relationships. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) framework. Little, Brown, 2008.
- **Esther Perel, "Mating in Captivity"** -- Research and clinical work on maintaining desire in long-term relationships. Harper, 2007.
- **Journal of Marriage and Family** -- Peer-reviewed research on relationship satisfaction, communication patterns, and predictors of relationship stability.

## When to Use

- Relationship feels stale, routine, or like "just roommates"
- Communication has broken down — every conversation turns into a fight or a silence
- One or both partners feel disconnected, unappreciated, or lonely in the relationship
- Fights keep recycling the same issues with no resolution
- User wants to strengthen a good relationship proactively
- Physical intimacy has declined and both people feel it
- Major life transition is straining the relationship (new baby, job loss, move, illness)
- User is wondering if the relationship is worth saving

## Instructions

### Step 1: Understand What Kills Relationships

**Agent action**: Present the Gottman research on relationship predictors. Direct, no sugarcoating.

The Gottman Institute filmed thousands of couples having conversations and tracked who stayed together and who didn't. The findings are specific and actionable.

```
THE 5:1 RATIO — THE FUNDAMENTAL NUMBER

Stable couples have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
Not 50:1. Not zero conflict. Five to one.

Positive interactions: laughing together, showing interest, expressing
affection, agreeing, showing empathy, apologizing, expressing appreciation.

Negative interactions: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling,
dismissing, eye-rolling, interrupting.

If your ratio is below 5:1, the relationship is deteriorating even if
you're not actively fighting. Neutral isn't enough. You need active
positivity.

HOW TO CHECK YOUR RATIO (honest self-assessment):
Think about the last week. Count the positive moments (a compliment,
a shared laugh, a moment of genuine connection). Count the negative
(a criticism, a dismissal, an eye-roll, a shutdown). What's the ratio?

Most struggling couples are at 1:1 or lower. They don't need fewer
fights. They need more positive deposits.
```

### Step 2: Identify the Four Horsemen

**Agent action**: Help the user identify which destructive patterns are present in their relationship.

```
THE FOUR HORSEMEN — WHAT PREDICTS RELATIONSHIP FAILURE

1. CRITICISM (attacking character, not behavior)
   Sounds like: "You never help around the house. You're so lazy."
   vs. Complaint (healthy): "I'm frustrated that the dishes aren't done.
   Can we figure out a system?"
   DIFFERENCE: Criticism says "you ARE the problem." Complaint says
   "here IS a problem."

2. CONTEMPT (disrespect, superiority, disgust)
   Sounds like: eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, sneering.
   "Oh, you think YOU'RE stressed? That's cute."
   THIS IS THE #1 PREDICTOR OF DIVORCE. Conte

SAFEgrade B · trust 89/100 Nothing in the source contradicts what it says it does. Grade A is reserved for packages that have also passed the behavioural sandbox.

What the source does

Filesystem

none-observed

Network

none-observed

Shell

none-observed

Dependencies

pinned

Secrets in source

none-found

Findings (1)

<key>k5Ey9KFlkqpj+SDkUw+5ED9lTA3En/qUi0zdrydUCH3kMWTE3Eh65NXnFCaxlY2omY2JHnlEoK7Li7oOEvM7eG5VPdcO/sFlMfoCRdnLYdepJ+uLzYwOWR8W4yQVve/clxVFTVRL4DFleKInGdpAxIbHZT2yi4ADAMENls1N1XSLojRuqXePXDeAT/4Mv4TTx0s

Gates applied: no_behavioural_pass.